A Smattering of things...

Well this should be an interesting week-end. Becky is coming for a visit with William and her new boyfriend. Beck recently moved to Minneapolis. Well actually a place called Woodbury. She got divorced and is closer to home now. Well not close enough for my taste but I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. She says that she didn't want to be back here because she didn't think she could find work here. There were a few other reasons for not coming back to Canada though and they were important so I guess I can forgive her. :D

Many people I know have moved to the States. Becky, Jessie, Jamie...hmmm come to think of it they are all girls. They all married American men. As for me I'm way too politically aware to EVER become an American. I LOVE being a Canadian and would not give that up for the world. Every country has its problems but I could never live in a country with a President as crooked as George W. Any person who thinks they have the divine right to walk into any country on earth and turn it into rubble is someone I wish to have no association with. I thank God that the Prime Minister of my country had the balls to stand up to them and say they would have NO part in their unlawful destruction of Iraq. It is something that makes me really angry. What made me angrier was the American people's show of support for their corrupt President. They voted him back into power. Heaven help us all.

The people in my life have changed so much that I hardly recognize them anymore. The other day I was at the Lakehead Choral Group concert that Karen and her parents sing in. After the concert I was with Karen, her Mom and Justin in the kitchen and I poked Karen in the ribs as I've always done. It's just a joke between her and me. Karen's Mom looked at me and said "Now Cindy you've given up that job to Justin." Now sure it's just a stupid thing I've always done but this comment seriously cut me to the core. Justin has taken my place in everything and Karen's Mom wants it that way. Having a boyfriend is WAY more important than having a best friend apparently. That's part of the reason I just stopped phoning Karen. She doens't need me anymore. Besides that she'll just try and fit me in for a couple hours in between her constant 'Justin' time. I really don't feel like being someone's time killer.

Karen sees Justin every day. During the week Justin stays in her bedroom and on the week-ends she stays in his. They are inseparable. I know what everyone would say after reading this that I should be happy for her. Well frankly I'm tired of being happy for her. It's been almost a year and they have not become any less clingy. That stage of relationship never ended and I'm tired of waiting patiently on the sidelines for it to end. I'm not waiting anymore. I'm giving up.

Frankly speaking I want to run away. I want to leave this entire miserable place. It doesn't care for me and I don't care for it. I want to leave and never speak to any of these so-called friends again. I'm tired of being everyone's spare tire and doormat. None of them give a damn about me. And I've been hurt one too many times by them all. I just want to become someone else and disappear. None of them would notice anyway because I don't occupy any space in their lives. They would probably be relieved that they didn't have to entertain me anymore or come up with excuses as why they can't spend time with me. I feel like spending time with me is a chore for all of them.

Well I may be running off to Toronto soon. If the job with the Ontario Government comes through I can leave. Greg offered to be my roomate. Live in the BIG TO. I'm still not sure about it even now. I know there is nothing for me here so there really isn't anything to be walking away from. All my friends are practically married off so they have no need for friends so what am I sticking around for. I've never met anyone here that hasn't hurt me irrevocably in some way.

I know deep down in my heart that my life was meant to be lived alone yet I keep fighting against the grain to try and change it. But I think I've come to finally understand that I can't change it no matter what scheme I try. Besides I've gotten pretty good at being a hermit. I guess it suits me. I have more fun creating things on my computer than I do conversing with any of the people I know.

I find no joy in life. The only things I've really learned from life is lonliness, despair, abandonment and abuse. So why the hell should I try and find any good. It doesn't exist and I'm exhausted from being hopeful.